Stages of No

               Kevin and I are so blessed with our two sons Brandon and Ryan.  They are nearly nine years apart, and I’m sure that has had an impact on how we parent both of them.  But they are great kids.  We get compliments on them all the time, and I just smile like the proud mama that I am.

                 But where is the parenting guide?  You know, the how-to for every situation so we know we get it right?  I guess with every child being different and every family being different, there were too many exceptions so the book was too cumbersome to publish.

                There is one area that I’ve been struggling with the last several months.  That is the answer “NO.”  When my kids ask me if they can do something, I guess I feel that there is too much negativity and rudeness to just look at them and say, “No.”  It probably comes from the times that I’ve tried it, and they start asking why.  So I changed to saying other things.  I’ll say, “we’ll see,” or “maybe later” or “not right now.”  And this isn’t working so well. 

                One Sunday after church, Brandon said he was thinking about doing something with one of his friends that week.  I told him, “This is not the week to be adding anything extra.” I then went on to list everything that was going on.  The next day he mentioned it again.  So I took a different approach.  I said, “How are you going to do that when you have to be somewhere else by a certain time?”  That apparently was not enough either.  I guess he thought I was asking him a real question instead of rhetorical question, so he came up with an answer.  The next day, he came to me with the certain time and activity that he wanted to do and a plan to try to work it out.  I again tried to let him see how the schedule looked.  But that didn’t work either.  I finally said, “At this point I feel like I have two answers.  I can throw my hands up and say do whatever you want because that’s what you’re going to do anyway or I can just say NO.  But I feel that both of those are rude answers.”  He got it then.

                I’m not the only parent struggling with this either.  A friend of mine and I were out one afternoon, and one of her kids texted and asked her for an iced coffee drink.  Her mom responded with how it would be melted by the time she got home from 30 minutes away.  Her daughter replied saying not if it were a certain kind of drink.  This teen didn’t get the implied no either. 

                I’ve really thought about these situations and realize I have too many stages of no.  There are times that I do need to think about a request before saying yes or no.  With four of us in the house, sometimes the schedule does get a little hairy so the boys need to give me time to figure it out.  But if the answer is no, I need to be more clear about it.  I need to not be afraid to tell them simply that my answer is no.  I also need to be there as a parent so they can learn how to accept a no as an answer.  I’m sure home won’t be the only place they will hear this answer.

                If I ever try to write a how-to for parents, I think the first chapter will be “The Stages of No.”  Stage one.  The answer is no.  Thank you for asking.  End of chapter.  J